Sunday, January 17, 2010
The Law of Anti-Attraction
Friday, January 8, 2010
Hot Tubs, Pony Play, and Blood Sports, oh my!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Manic Monday Nights.
Disclaimer: It’s almost five in the morning now, I’m not sure if I can even write coherently. Why does 5am arrive so quickly these days?
Tonight was full of heartache and nostalgia. After a long and boring day of selling stupid people things they don’t need on Union Street, I somehow made my way home with just enough time to check my email for pictures from my photo shoot the night before and to have an overly intense Gchat conversation with Girl of my Dreams about how she doesn’t think she can be intimate with me because of her past sexual trauma.
Fuck.
Now, I could go into a big fucking sob story about being sick of dating people who are unfuckable, but that would be insensitive, and I think there’s already a wealth of bad slam poetry written on that subject. Instead, I cried a little (probably more to do with not having eaten in six hours than from heartache) and accepted these terms. I informed her that as much as I respected and admired her choice to do the right thing for herself, I could not for MY own well being, be pursuing a relationship with someone who I was not having sex with. That’s just how I roll. Does this make me an asshole? In this amorphous world of polymorphous love affairs… I don’t really even know anymore.
After a good cry and a good energetic goodbye via gchat to the supposed “girl of my dreams”, I put on a pencil skirt they shade of a yellow school bus and made my way down the street to grab a burrito before heading out for the night.
I was on my way to see my high school friend, who I had not seen for 5+ years. She was in a rockstar band these days, playing piano. She had recently married the super epic and hopelessly dorky drummer. They played at Kimo’s on Polk Street to a small but enthusiastic crowd, especially for a Monday night. I hungrily drank dirty martinis, drooling over the way her back would arch and dance while she played the piano, while I fielded texts from the photographer from the night before. “Come to the Make Out Room” he pleaded via text.
“I can’t” I replied. “I’m overwhelmed by nostalgia.”
He was persistent however, and promised that he was hanging out with a sea of single cute lesbians….I won’t say I wasn’t tempted, but I managed to stay put and committed to where I was. No small task for me, since I seem to have social ADD.
After the show was over, the gear loaded out, and the merch purchased, we made our way to a bar down the street. It still had it’s Christmas tree up, and had paper Mache icecicles hanging from the ceiling. I ordered a drink that was so girly and sweet I dubbed it “The Walking Vagina” (recipe: peach flavored Absolut Vodka, sprite, a splash of OJ, and a cherry. Fuck yeah.)
I quickly developed a crush on the bass player, as I am wont to do. He could match me tit for tat in Beatles trivia and had cute glasses and an appropriately hairy chest. We exchanged hugs that lasted too long, but not phone numbers, which was dumb.
I was driven home by my budding Gay BFF. He is the BFF of my most recent ex-girlfriend, so our relationship is complex. But by the end of the night we were cuddled in my bed weeping to each other.
“Who knew?” he said. “I never would have guessed back in high school that someday you and I would be this close, and this gay.”
“I did.” I replied.
All in all, this is just the way I like to spend my Monday nights.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Modern Love
“You’re quite the modern girl” he said as I arched my bare back a little more to more fully accentuate the curvature of the mermaid tail I was wearing.
Click.
He snapped a few more photographs.
Here I was in a lush East Bay Apartment, posing half naked for a man more than twice my age. The terrible thing was, this wasn’t the first time I’d been in this situation—but that’s another story and another body of water.
Since moving to San Francisco, I HAVE become quite the modern girl. As I ran my finger along the lip of my glass of red wine it made that ringing sound that sound like whales crying and I told him about my date the night before:
She had riot girl red Shirley Temple curls. On our first date she had worn blue plastic squid earrings and an electric blue prom dress.
She is potentially the girl of my dreams.
But tonight (date#5) she was more subdued as we were on our way to Queer Contra Dancing in Oakland. It was far too wholesome to be abided for more than an hour, but she and I enjoyed being spun around by giant gay men in tie dye skirts until we felt like we would explode and then escaping to the parking lot to indulge in less wholesome activities.
Later in the night, back on the other side of the Bay, she got a text message from her boyfriend, who was on a date with his other girlfriend and his girlfriend’s other boyfriend.
WHOA.
Rewind. Let’s just do a little chart real quick
Me-àGirl of my DreamsàGirl of my Dreams’ boyfriend who looked like Mr. Clean-àMr. Clean’s girlfriend who had Aeon Flux hairàAeon Flux’s boyfriend who was wearing a skirt.
All one happy family having drinks at a the Dirty Thieves in the Mission. Awkward does not even begin to describe my feelings.
It did not help that I was wearing a ridiculous outfit of teal gingham and red crinoline, as I am wont to do, and everyone else seemed to have borrowed all their clothing from the cast of the Matrix. They looked at me like I had food spilled all over myself or something. Like they were embarrassed for me. When Aeon Flux asked me what Girl of my Dreams and I had just done for our date, I did my best to explain the wholesome summer camp vibe of Queer Contra dancing. She stared at me with a deadpan glare and said,
“Weird.”
I drank my IPA as fast as possible and Girl of my Dreams and I made our way to meet my friends at the Lexington.
“I think he liked you. “ she assured me.
I told you she was the girl of my dreams.
Somehow the overly wholesome appetizer of Queer Contra Dancing made the harsh brooding hipster dyke scene of the Lexington feel less intimidating than usual. We smoked cigarettes outside for a while with some friends of mine, and met some overly adorable girls from Australia…one of which started making out with Girl of My Dreams almost immediately.
My cigarette smoking friends pointed and gawked, expecting me to beat somebody up, since the last time something like this happened (Q Bar during Castro Street Fair,) police had been involved. I won’t lie and say my stomach didn’t do a little drop, and I didn’t start to sweat a little bit when I saw them. But when Girl of my Dreams was finished with the potentially underage Australian Sheila, she bought me a gin and tonic, grabbed my ass and kissed me in that way that said “Drink fast, I’ve got a white harness and a giant black silicone cock in my bag and I can’t wait to get you alone.”
So yes, I told my photographer, as I readjusted the ukulele chastely draped across my breasts, I’ve become quite modern.
He tried to hide his intrigue with more clicks of the camera.
When we were finished and I had become a two-legged creature again, he casually invited me to join him in the hot tub before I made my journey back across the bridge. I politely declined.
For, despite my modern sensibilities, I am still a lady.