I'm beginning to wonder if I'm a slut. I mean, of course I am (please refer to the previous entries.)
However, I get nervous.
It's actually quite difficult to maintain a raunchy sex positive outlook 24/7.
I've become a stripper in the past 3 months. I fucking love it. It makes me like my body, myself, and humanity more.
I don't plan on telling my mother.
However, on Friday I went to a Giants game with her and my dad. On the way out of the ball park, we passed the infamous Hustler Club mobile strip club--basically a box on wheels full of naked women and a pole. My dad stopped to stare at a brunette with coffee skin pressing her ass against the glass. My mom said something snide. I tried to keep walking, afraid I might recognize someone, or somehow betray my alliances.
Coming out as a slut is way harder than coming out as queer. I think I'm still coming out to myself about it. There's still some bits of shame clinging to me.
They tell us in high school health classes that girls who are promiscuous really don't like themselves, and if having lots of sex and feeling good about yourself ever coincide it means that you've just bought yourself a one way ticket to teen pregnancy and a heroin addiction. I suppose we're supposed to feel neutral about sex unless it's with someone you LOOOOOVVVEEE.
But having lots of sex with people I don't necessarily love....makes me feel awesome.
And being naked in front of people who pay me....has made me like my body more.
I don't know. Maybe I'm going down the wrong path after all, and Mr. Stevenson (my Bill Cosby-esque high school health teacher) was right.
But then again...I am going to Vegas with seven strippers on Friday. We have a suite at the Monte Carlo with hot tub in the room and mirrors over the bed....
If I'm choosing wrong.....I think I'm okay with that.
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Last night someone told me our love story was beautiful and sweet. Too bad
its demise was tragic. I know you don’t see what I see, but what I felt was
felt...
11 years ago
I don't think you're wrong at all for feeling both ways about your sexuality and expressiveness and I do truly feel that it is easier to come out as queer, especially in the bay area, since mass media and the social consciousness is finally going in the direction of acceptance. With the opening of gay bars in suburban towns, a plethora of queer friendly shows on tv, and positive activist groups all across this state NOT accepting someone's sexual orientation is now passé. The amount of sexual activity and exposure most certainly is not. As you've mentioned fear of ones sexual urges and desires is still taught in schools and the only reason to have sex is monogamous love. Play and exploration is completely ignored even antagonized by some. All I have to say is raise a fist for our SLUT PRIDE! Us skanks have to stick together.
ReplyDeletePs can't wait for Vegas ;)
Oh thanks Sandy! You're one of my favorite skanks ever!
ReplyDeleteThe hour is late and I am short of words, but suffice it to say that I wholeheartedly live this life style and support your living it. Sexuality, intellect, and real emotion are not mutually exclusive. And you're right -- queer is more mainstream than slutty. Le sigh.
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